Socialist Jeopardy

As usual, we begin with player introductions by the announcer:

“Today’s contestants are…Comrade Moe, a bureaucrat who knows nothing about medical practice but makes decisions about your health care! And Comrade Larry, an inventor hoping to find motivation to actually invent something! And our current champion, Comrade Curly, whose five day total winnings have been redistributed to the losing contestants of the last five games!”

And now…here is the hostess of Socialist Jeopardy…Alexandria Utopio-Marxist!” (There being no “commercials,” she immediately goes into her daily chat with the contes…er, participants.)

“Moe, what’s it like working at your clinic?”

“Well Alexandria, my first challenge every day is to get past the long line of patients waiting at the entrance. It can be difficult because the ones who have been waiting several days to fill out form HC 10001 often are curled up in fetal position, crying.” (Studio audience politely titters) “On a good day, I have so many papers to push around on my wobbly desk that I can dodge actually dealing with any people. Hey, I get my stipend no matter what.”

Moe grins. The gaps between his remaining teeth can be seen even though only about half of the light bulbs in the room are on. The audience which had been compelled to enter the studio is also cowed into suppressing its natural human reaction to thievery. Alexandria takes a few steps to her left.

“Larry, I see here that you abandoned your research project which held great promise for the use of recycled plastic, why?”

“Well Alexandria, I couldn’t get out of my mind what one of our previous Glorious Leaders said.”

“What’s that?”

“You didn’t build that!”

“Larry, you should be motivated to do it for the people!” (Audience claps vigorously as the announcer hoists the dog-eared APPLAUSE sign off stage.)

“Yes, of course, Comrade Utopio-Marxist!” (Thinking to himself, “They probably forced me to come here so they could denounce me as an enemy of the state. Moe and Curly might be informants!)

Alexandria addresses the third player.

“Curly, you seem gloomy for a reigning champion on Socialist Jeopardy! Why the grim look?”

“Well Alexandria, each day my take home…er, take commune percentage goes down because it is being shared equally with all the losing participants. Yes, I’ve won five games to date but will only take commune 20% of that, which will be taxed at 85% anyway since it exceeds the Income Equality Act maximum. If I win five more games, I will only take commune 10% of my total winnings, and I might have moved up into the next tax bracket.”

“So you should be happy, comrade! You are providing for the participants who were wrong on every response, or who never even bothered to ring in, knowing they would benefit from your laborious study of re-written history and other state approved subjects. Understand? Now get with our enlightened program! Go ahead and pick a category!”

“OK Alexandria. I’ll take ‘Evils of Free Market Capitalism‘ for $2.47″

Ding! Ding! Ding! “That’s a daily double, Curly, which means you can wager up to $6.99!”

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